


Trans Nate Babey

by rpmrangers



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Gen, M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans Nate Heywood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 17:39:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18320087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rpmrangers/pseuds/rpmrangers
Summary: He built up his confidence slowly, practising what he’d say, over analysing a careful script he’d compiled in his mind, learning it word for word, breaking it down into little pieces to be sure nothing came across wrong.All that thinking, all that worrying, for him to end up blurting out “I’m trans”, in the middle of the kitchen, with his mouth half full of toast.





	Trans Nate Babey

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this a while ago planning to make it multiple chapters but everything else i wrote felt bad but i kind of like the first chapter so TRANS NATE.... also i write him as autistic i dont mention it but he is, maybe this is all still bad but oh well were all just here for dumb writing, no i cant think of a title
> 
> im nb and i based nates experiences on my own and added a lot of my own personal feelings but ofc it wont be accurate of all trans people

Nate was trans. It was just a fact of his life, something he’d always known, that had always been a part of him. 

Coming out had been hard. His parents never rejected him, never made him feel like any less of a man, but in the case of his father, it was mostly due to the fact he never seemed to feel _anything_ towards Nate. No matter the reactions he got it always felt difficult, strange, having to explain to someone something that you know you never should have had to. He spent so many nights wondering why others had to be told he was a man, why he had to correct strangers on the street for calling him “ma’am” and “her”, he hated every moment of needing to prove he was a man, instead of it being everyone's first thought.

Being a part of the legends felt different, felt good. He never needed to explain himself. From the moment he stepped foot on the waverider, no-one even considered the possibility that he was any different from them. He was a man, plain and simple. He didn’t need to tell them that the doctors thought different when he was born, that he tried his best to hide his chest not because of any shyness or similar, but because of the telltale scars on them. They had no need to know about any of that.

And it wasn’t just about what they did or didn’t need to know. Simply, Nate was terrified of them finding out.

He wasn’t ashamed of who he was, he was proud of his identity, proud of the man he’d become, but fear was just a simple fact of being trans. It followed you around constantly, wondering if the unconditional love given to you by your friends, your family, your partner, was truly as unconditional as you thought. No-one on the team ever had issues with Sara’s sexuality, her attraction to women was considered nothing less than normal. He knew Ray was gay, and Jax was also bisexual, and most of the other teammates comments on sexuality tended to hint towards them too being not so straight, but being trans was different. He’d had plenty of ex partners and friends who were completely fine with him being bi, but ran when he told them he was trans.

And then there was Ray.

In the short time he’d known Ray he’d been drawn to him for some reason. Maybe it was his looks, or his kindness, his smile, the way he never let Nate feel anything less than wonderful, or simple chemistry, but he’d never felt so strongly. He’d let himself flirt a little, let the jokes between then become a little more serious, wondered what it’d be like to be with him. But he’d forced himself to hold back, ignore the inkling that Ray could possibly like him back. Relationships when you were trans, tended to come with a long conversation about your gender, a conversation that rarely went well for him.

Ray was all effortless muscles, and beauty, and power, and masculinity. Nate was barely even a man, no matter how hard he tried. He’d never be enough.

He liked the relationship they had, he wanted more, but what they had now, it was enough for him. He didn’t want to risk losing that.  
But regardless of that fear, of any reason against him coming out, he wanted to.

He felt trapped. Analysing every comment he made before he let it come out of his mouth due to the fear of letting something slip, constantly terrified one day he wouldn’t pass right and they’d just know, or that somehow someone else would tell them, they’d find someone from his past and in a second it’d all fall down.

Besides, the team shared almost everything, he knew things that were so hard for the others to talk about, to trust him and the team with. He felt like he was breaching that trust. He knew he owed no-one an explanation of his gender, but that didn’t stop him feeling like he did, just this once.

He’d decided weeks ago he’d tell them, but he could never find the “right time”, or the courage, or the words to explain himself. He built up his confidence slowly, practising what he’d say, over analysing a careful script he’d compiled in his mind, learning it word for word, breaking it down into little pieces to be sure nothing came across wrong.

All that thinking, all that worrying, for him to end up blurting out “I’m trans”, in the middle of the kitchen, with his mouth half full of toast.

The group usually ate together in mornings, helped it feel more like an actual morning, and less like floating in a temporal zone that holds no idea of time. Plus, it gave the team a time to talk, to try their best to find some sense of normality.

Nate had zoned out of whatever tired conversation was currently happening, instead playing back in his head the pros and cons of coming out, adding and deleting things from his carefully planned way of doing so. He was knocked out of said thoughts by someone lightly shaking his shoulder.

“Hey, you were very spaced out there buddy, you alright?” Ray asked, keeping his hand on Nate’s shoulder as he did.

All that planning, all that careful consideration, all that worry.

“I’m trans” 

Well. _Fuck._

He hadn’t been listening to the conversations going on earlier, but he knew they were there, they’d become like background noise. Now everything was silent.

“Uh, like you’re… actually a girl, or?” Ray asked, slowly, breaking the silence.

His voice making Nate aware that the hand had been taken off his shoulder now.

“No I’m a guy, just…. guess the doctors got me wrong.” 

Nate could feel his body slumping further and further down into the chair, his head falling down. His leg was bouncing madly and he couldn’t do anything but fiddle with his hands and wait for someone to say something else, anything else. Even screaming and anger and harsh rejection would be better than the awkward silence filling the room. He wasn’t even aware the legends _could _be silent for this long.__

__“Nate, just know that we-” Sara started._ _

__“I’m gonna go do…. something, not here….” He interrupted, quickly jumping out of his seat and speeding to his room._ _

___Well, that went well _, he thought to himself.__ _ _

____He flopped down face first onto his bed, and muffle-screamed into the pillow._ _ _ _

____God he was so stupid. He always did that, always planned things exactly and then just went and fucked all that planning. He had the worst tendency to be impulsive with everything he should be cautious with. He shouldn’t have said anything. He should have left it, let them all just believe he was a guy like the others in the team, that he was normal._ _ _ _

____He felt so much dread fill his body, worries he’d never even considered before became a possible reality. What if they decided to call him she, ask him questions he never wanted to answer, what if he’d ruined everything, what if they just wanted to drop him back off in Star City and forget about him?_ _ _ _

____He quickly got up from his screaming position, to simply sit on his bed, when he heard a knock at the door._ _ _ _

____“Come in” He said, the words coming out far more shaky then he intended._ _ _ _

____“Hey buddy, you ran off pretty quickly there, just wondered how you were doing.”_ _ _ _

____Of course it was Ray “sunshine” Palmer, that made the move to check on him._ _ _ _

____He curled his legs up against his chest, and led his head on top of them, staring down at the floor, pulling slightly at the bottom of his sweatpants. He felt such a surge in the need to cover up now. Saying it out loud to the team, knowing they all knew now, made him feel so separated from the other guys. It highlighted the constant fear in his mind that he would never be enough of a man, no matter how hard he tried he’d never be like he was meant to be._ _ _ _

____“I’m okay. Is there any chance no-one heard me in there?” He mumbled, feeling the bed dip as Ray sat beside him._ _ _ _

____“No, we heard you, and just so you know, we all support you. It’s not the right phrase to say we don’t care, but…. it doesn’t change how we see you. We’re all happy you trusted us enough to tell us, even though you never need to. Just know, we love you, it doesn’t change that” Ray explained, placing his hand on Nates knee and squeezing it lightly._ _ _ _

____He didn’t get it though. It did change things. He hadn’t realised how much it would change things for him, how much he’d seemed to forget his dysphoria in the midst of the fighting, how not ever saying it had led him to forget just how different he was from Ray, from Mick, from all of them. He knew now they’d look at him differently, it happens whether cis people realise it or not. He didn’t want them to be careful around him, to stop making jokes about him that they don’t have any problem making around the other guys. He’d wanted to tell them, to feel like he was being completely honest, to be 100% himself, but now he wanted to curl up and forget about it, make everyone else forget._ _ _ _

____And here Ray was sat next to him, doing nothing but sitting on a bed and still, even without looking at him, Nate knew he looked like the perfect picture of masculinity. He always was that way, he never had to try. He never had to worry about being mistaken for a woman in the streets, about if his voice sounded too high, if he'd proven himself enough to be a man. He never had to spend hours picking out his clothing, to make sure not one part of him looked feminine, to be certain he’d pass. He was always so perfectly handsome, the essence of everything Nate wanted to be, everything he’d never be._ _ _ _

____“Hey, Nate, what did I say? What’s wrong” Ray said, softly, his tone filled with a sense of concern and something else Nate had never heard before from him._ _ _ _

____He realised in that moment that he’d started crying. He quickly wiped his tears on his sleeve, and hugged his knees tighter to his chest, he felt so embarrassed and stupid._ _ _ _

____“No I’m fine, s’nothing” He replied, muffled by the fact that his mouth was almost completely stuck between his chest and knees now, neck craned even further down than before._ _ _ _

____“It’s not nothing” Ray said, moving his hand to press it against his face, “Nate, look at me”_ _ _ _

____Nate felt the tears rising again in his throat when he looked at Ray. He looked so beautiful. The way he sat, the clothes he wore, even the way he styled his hair, it was all so effortless, so natural, and so stunning._ _ _ _

____He hated coming out. No matter how it went you couldn’t control how it made you feel. People can be so kind, so accepting, but it doesn’t stop the disgust rising in your chest when you realise everyone knows now. You can’t hide behind anything, can’t pretend to be the man you aren’t. You start to focus again on everything that makes you different to the men around you, remember all the reasons you’re not enough. Knowing you were accepted was wonderful, but acceptance isn’t usually enough to stop the tidal wave of internalised issues forced into you since before you can even remember, rushing to the surface every time you remember exactly who you are._ _ _ _

____“It’s fine. I didn’t mean to say that before, coming out is always overwhelming that's all” He replied, smiling, as if to prove he was telling the truth._ _ _ _

____“I understand, I cried for like three hours the first time I told someone I was gay” He said, patting Nate’s knee again, “I’ll give you your space”_ _ _ _

____Nate was glad he was out. He was glad he told them, was so happy they accepted him, but all he could seem to focus on, was everything that could change now._ _ _ _


End file.
